Finished with Rat and Mole

And I mean really finished.  Forever.  I never want to see this book again.  If I am walking down the aisle of Barnes and Noble and see this book I’ll push all of the copies off the shelf and walk away without missing a step.  If I see this book sitting displayed on a table in some Borders I’ll up-end the table, roar to the heavens, and shout at the top of my lungs “Behold the strength of Goliath…no book can take me down!”

Reasons I thoroughly disliked this book (warning some plot points may be divulged)

1. The world made no sense.  People can talk to animals…is everyone speaking English?  People really think that Toad is a washerwoman…is he toad sized or human sized (that’s a big toad).  I thought toad sized and the boatwoman certainly has no problem flinging him from the boat (but in my head she was quite large (and muscly) so maybe that explains it).  And why doesn’t Toad like water?  He’s a toad.  And why does he have hair…now I may have been lost in daydreams of what it would be like to be the first boy to go to Langley and live with Mrs. Garrett in 2nd grade science, but I think amphibians are noted for their lack of hair.  What gives?
2. I’m not at all fond of the way they treat Mole…they quite take advantage of his good nature.  “Oh Mole, before you eat can you clean the house?”  “Oh Mole re-write these invitations for Toad”.  I think I’ll Wide Sargasso Sea this story and tell The Wind in the Willows from Mole’s perspective.  My working title is Please Let Me Rest.
3. It was boring.  Really, really boring.

I did like that it had some slightly subversive narrative elements–Fighting the establishment, cross-dressing, the homoerotic tension between Rat and Mole.  And I’ve taken a page from Toad’s book and started to compose songs about me.  Look forward to such future standards as “Smart Jon” and “Jon Rocks” on my upcoming album How Wonderful Am I? (Pretty Wonderful).

And now on to Middlemarch…I think one reason I’m really excited to read this book is because I have no idea what it’s about (a band?  A group of soldiers?  Julius Caesar?  Springtime?).  I’m rooting for it to be about a band…and about a band that stays at home (I saw The Band’s Visit so I’m hoping not to retread on already covered territory).

Well there’s only one way to find out and that’s cracking open that book…so until you finish I remain

Your Twin,

Jon

P.S.  Two in a row I’ve finished before you (not that its a contest).  I just thought I’d point it out.